A little kid says to
his mother, "Mommy, last night I saw you sitting on Daddy's belly and jumping up and
down. Why were you doing that?" She says "Oh, uh, I was just trying to squeeze
the air out of Daddy's belly." So the kid says, "I don't know why, the neighbor
lady's just gonna blow him up again tomorrow."
A guy is at a bar and he's really drunk and he's worried about going
home to his wife. So his friend says to him, "You know, if you
don't want your wife to get really mad at you, as soon as you go home,
make love to her like you never have before." The man decides
to take his advice, and as soon as he gets home, he jumps on his wife
and makes love to her fast and furious like a wild man. Then he goes
into the bathroom and sees his wife who
says to him, "SSShhhhhh, be quiet! My mother's sleeping in our
room."
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. He says, "Who wants to see a great
trick?" The crowd cheers. He pulls open the jaws of the alligator and sticks his d--k
in there. He lets go. Just as the alligator is about to bite down, he hits the alligator
on the head with a stick. Whack! And the alligator freezes. The crowd goes wild with
applause and cheers. The guy says, "Does anyone else want to try it?" From the
back of the crowd a very effeminate voice answers, "I do! But don't hit me with that
stick!"
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M Factory? She kept throwing
away all of the "W's".
A blonde and a brunette jumped out of an airplane. Which one hit the
ground first? The brunette. The blonde got lost.
How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? What are you, a f---ing cop?
Why do Canadians do it doggie style? So they can both watch the hockey
game.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop for directions.
Why don't women have brains? Because they don't have a d--- to carry them around in.
A lady goes to a gynecologist. The doctor says to her, "You have
a very large vagina. You have a very large vagina." The lady
says, "You don't have to say it twice." The doctor said,
"I didn't."
Two flies are sitting on a piece of sh--. One fly farts. The other one says, "Do you
mind? I'm trying to eat."
Four nuns are trying to get into heaven. They approach St. Peter and he asks the first
nun, "Have you ever touched a penis?" She says, "Yes, I did touch one with
my finger one time." He says, "That's okay, just rinse your finger in the holy
water and you can come in." St. Peter asks the second nun, "Did you ever touch a
penis?" The nun says, "Yes, I touched it with my hand." He says,
"That's okay. Just rinse your hand in the holy
water and you can come in." Suddenly, the fourth nun says, "If you think I'm
going to gargle with that after she sticks her ass in it, you're crazy!"
A mouse falls in love with a giraffe. He's always bugging her about having sex and finally
she gives in, thinking, "What do I care? I won't even know it." So, he climbs up
her tail and mounts her. He's pumping away and she doesn't even notice. Suddenly, a
coconut falls on her head and she yells, "Ouch!" The mouse says, "Take it
bitch!"
A guy goes into a bank. He says, "I want to make a God damned deposit." The
teller says to him, "You can't talk that way in here." He says again, "I
want to make a God damned deposit!" She says, "I'm going to get the
manager." He says, "I want to make a God damned, f---ing deposit!" The
manager comes over and asks, "What seems to be the problem here?" The man says,
"I just won the lottery and I want to make a God damned,
f---ing deposit." The manager says, "And this bitch won't help you?"
A couple is out walking on the beach. A seagull flies by and drops
a big one right on the ladies head. She says, "Oh my God, get
some toilet paper!" Her husband says, "What for? That seagull
is a mile away by now."
A guy is stranded on a desert island. Suddenly, a beautiful girl walks out of the ocean
wearing a wetsuit. She unzips a pocket and pulls out a package of cigarettes. She hands
them to the guy and says, "Do you want these?" He says, "I sure do."
He lights one up. She opens up another zipper and pulls out an ice-cold beer. "Do you
want this?" He says, "I sure do." He opens up the beer and starts drinking.
She starts unzipping her wet suit
and says, "Now, for what you really want!" He says, "You got golf clubs in
there?"
President Clinton's walking with two pit bulls and they're growling and pulling him all
over the place when a Secret Service man sees him. "Gee President Clinton I guess you
won't be needing our protection anymore now that you have those." President Clinton
says, "Oh no, I got these for Hilary." And the Secret Service agent says
"Good Trade!"
Bill and Mary are making love on the living room floor. Mary says,
"Bill take off your glasses. They're scratching my thighs."
Five minutes later she says, "Bill put them back on. You're eating
the shag carpet."
A Great Dane and a Chihuahua are at the vet. The Dane says "What are you here
for?" The Chihuahua replies, "Oh, I bit the mailman, so my owner's having me put
to sleep." "Bummer." Then the chihuahua says, "What are you here
for?" And the Great Dane replies "Well I saw my owner bending over with just a
towel on and I couldn't control myself so I jumped up and had my way with her." The
Chihuahua says, "Oh my God! No wonder she's having you put to sleep." And the
Dane says, "Oh no, I'm just here to get my nails clipped."
An old lady has just entered a nursing home and an intern takes her
outside to sit on a bench. After sitting for a few moments the frail
old woman starts to fall over. The intern quickly catches her and
straightens her up. then she starts to lean the other way. He quickly
catches her and sits her up straight again. This continues. Later
her children come visit and say "Well how do you like it here?"
She says "I hate it! They won't let me fart!"
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