FAKE ID
I found my fake ID that I used to use to get into bars. It says I was born in 1947. Now I use it to get the early bird special at IHOP.

MILITARY TIME
Don't you hate it when people use military time? Don't make me do math! "I want that report by 800 hours." "Uhhhh…. 800 hours…..that's 33 days. I've got plenty of time!"

DISNEYLAND
Did you hear about the big lawsuit against Disneyland? Some kids saw the Disney characters without their heads on. And they were traumatized. And now they need a couple million dollars. Give me a break. When I was a kid I saw my Uncle Billy with his pants off! All I got was a dollar to keep my mouth shut.

OLD CAR
Did you ever have an old junker that you had to open and start with a screwdriver? That's embarrassing. It's even more embarrassing when you lock your screwdriver in the car.

SWEARING
They swear funny in the Midwest. They say things like "Cripes!" "For Cripe's Sake!" Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of "Gosh?" Of the church of "Holy Moly!" I'm not making fun of it. You think I want to go to "Heck!"

BAD KISSERS
" I've been doing a lot of dating, and there's a lot of bad kissers out there. I've been doing the research so you don't have to!

Bad Kissing Styles:

1. The Flosser. They seem to be looking for something. A piece of pork perhaps. "Hey it's Ramadan, get out of there!"

2. The Wide Mouth Bass. That's when they open their mouth so wide you wanna try and toss some bean bags in there and win a prize.

3. The Chastity Kiss. That's when the lips are pursed together so tight there's nary a drop of moisture exchanged. If you're lucky you get the little kiss noise. "Ooooh, that's doing it for me! I guess we'll be having sex now." It's like kissing your grandmother except you don't get a dollar afterwards.

PIERCED BABY EARS
Do you think you should get your baby's ears pierced? Wait til they're older, right? Some people say it hurts less when they're younger. So we got her ears pierced and a big tattoo of a dragon on her ass!

CHRISTMAS CARD PHOTOS
We put the baby's picture on the Christmas card when she was one. Which went over great because the year before we just had a picture of me and my wife doing it.

BICEP AND PEC IMPLANTS
I was watching one of those plastic surgery shows. Do you know you can get pec and bicep implants? Sure they look great but sooner or later someone's gonna ask you to pick up something heavy! "Hey, get the other end of this pool table will ya?" "Uhhhhh….I'll get the chalk."

GRAY HAIR
I'm getting some gray hair. Good thing women think that's distinguished. Yeah right. That means "I can distinguish you from someone I'd like to sleep with!"

GETTING OLD
You know you're getting old when you walk into a room and there's a naked woman spread eagle on the bed and you say "What did I come in here for?"

NAKED OR NUDE
What word do you think is more sexy "naked" or "nude?" "Naked" definitely. Rembrandt painted nudes. Did you ever try to get off to a Rembrandt? They usually kick you out of the museum before you finish!

SEXUAL THOUGHT
They say men have a sexual thought every ten seconds. I have no problem with that. It's that dead air in between I hate. I spend that time planning my next sexual thought.

FREE PORN
Where's all this free porn on the internet? I can't find any. The other day I downloaded a picture of two dyslexics doing a 96. Upside down, facing away from each other!